Patterns of Co-Dependency

Symptoms of co-dependency appear in our lives in various ways; co-dependence is not a singular or well defined condition. Being co-dependent is recognized by mental health providers as a significant contributor to various forms of health and psychological distress. Just as each person’s life follows a unique path of accomplishments and disappointments, the challenges we face in our relationships at times can become overwhelming.

The following is a partial checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand co-dependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns

• have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
• perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
• I can take care of themselves without any help from others.
• mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

Low Self-esteem Patterns

• have difficulty making decisions.
• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
• do not perceive myself as lovable or worthwhile persons.
• need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
• have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Compliance Patterns

• are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
• accept sexual attention when they want love.
• make decisions without regard to the consequences.

Control Patterns

• believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
• become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
• use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
• pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns

• act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me
• avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
• suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
• withhold expressions of appreciation.

Read the entire Patterns and Characteristics

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